Just Wait – why waiting isn’t weakness

What if she said: wait.

Wait for the light, the love, the release of darkness, a slow burn to the day.

Hope is hidden in the shadows.

Just wait. It’s the simplest of phrases; and yet so powerful in so many ways. There is a rush of modern life and living to be everything.

You can’t wait. You’re not doing enough if you’re not focused on becoming the best, constantly grinding, and grabbing opportunity daily. Life is to be lived – and quiet patience can be seen as weakness. Positive vibes and self-love are buzzwords we must embrace because otherwise we won’t be something special.

But sometimes life puts us on a different path – the struggles of circumstance, health, and brain chemistry may have its own ideas in the direction we are headed. And in this rush of modern life, a lack of privacy and grace in personal growth, the pressure, anxiety, and depression that plagues so many can contribute to a fatalist mentality –

We lose control of the world around us and in turn – everything is everything.

This is what happens with intrusive thoughts and ideation – at least in my experience. It didn’t even matter what the situation could have been; be it a huge life altering experience or something as innocuous as feeling like I disappointed yet another person… I couldn’t calm the thought the world would have been better off without me. Years and years I have struggled with these feelings and thoughts – very privately – and sometimes have had the courage to say them out loud when no one is listening to give the thoughts less power – for if I were brave enough to admit it, I could be brave enough to fight through it. Those thoughts have been my very darkest companion – it truly hurt so much; a very real and debilitating pain, but since it’s “just thoughts” it is very different from a visible illness.

I read a lot about how intrusive thoughts can be some form of OCD and while I’m not sure if that is the correct terminology or a definitive diagnosis, it seemed to make sense. And being ever the obsessive researcher that I am – in one long ago written article – there was some well written advice, and it has stuck with me.

Wait.

It seems so simple, to just wait. Wait for what? Life is for living. Results and change are now. Do something now. Be better now. But when you’re curled up on the floor, clutching your head and heart in pain – thinking the world would be better without you in it – you wait. When life gives you experiences that only offer hardship and turmoil – you wait. When you’re facing an illness that has changed your daily life for the worse and you think maybe it will never get better – you wait.

Learning to wait through unspeakable mental and physical anguish cannot be weak. I’m still here despite the odds. I have sat through so much darkness, constant cloudy days, and I have waited for the light even though my life hasn’t always changed. Sometimes I wonder if I really feel hope, it can be so dimly lit and so far away – but in working to overcome these thoughts I have to keep telling myself that I will wait.

This morning I was reminded of this – the importance of waiting for the light. I arrived at my chosen location, the skies were cloudy, humid fog was on the horizon and I wasn’t sure if the sun would be visible. I enjoyed the waves; I watched the clouds and took my pictures. It isn’t always a waste to watch the sunrise on a cloudy day – for those are times when you can pay attention to other details. I made a mental note of the time but instead of getting up and moving on to my next location I decided to soak it all in for a few more minutes and I am so glad I did. As the sun rose on the horizon the heavy cloud cover broke and she was there, striking the sky with an other-worldly glow. My wait had a glorious reward and a flood of emotions hit me – even though I was actively enjoying the grey skies – I had been truly waiting for the light.

In that moment I thought of this – even if life isn’t getting better, even if it is so, so hard – just wait. Hope is sometimes hidden in the shadows. The light will come. A season of waiting isn’t weakness – there is so much strength in patience. You can wait.